I hope this article finds you in a mesmerizing holiday haze of holly jolly hearth and home, because here’s the deal with the winter festivities:
They were a tough row to hoe in the Before Times and are even more so in these Quacky Quarantimes.
There’s shopping, wrapping, baking, cooking, decorating, entertaining, eating, imbibing, friends you never see, family you’ve never liked, and a gimlet-eyed elf monitoring every minute and reporting every move to a schizoid list-making demi-god living on the frozen nipple of the globe with battalions of undying eldritch-gnomes and bionic beast-deer.
And now, we have to endure all of that helliday horror plus all of the Ex-Spurts ululating about the next Covaids scariant for us to be afraid of and all of the other pandemonium that comes with being born at the end of the F*ck Around century and living through the times of Finding Out.
So maybe this year we can cut each other (and ourselves) some slack and . . . wait for it . . . let it gooooooo. Because we’re all having a time of it. Except for billionaires. They’re just somehow richer.
Maybe, then, we can stop argufying about Covid-1984, Hunter’s dad, and the Great Awokening and instead simply get good and sick on eggnog and rib roast and candy, cookies, and sugar-fried reindeer meat?
Maybe . . . just for a fortnight . . . we can squash all of the suckbaggery and just have a Merry Christmas/Whatever-You-Celebrate? Maybe just for gits and shiggles?
And speaking of cookies, mon frère, here’s a ripping recipe for getting some psycho-delicious treats inside your facemeat.
Also, in case you’re not much of a baker-person:
- Weigh the flour.
- Use good chocolate.
- Use good brown sugar. And the real game is swapping the brown sugar in the recipe for a 1/2 cup of muscovado brown sugar.
- Don’t devour the cookies the instant they exit the oven.
Now, as for me and my daring band of Legion bushwhackers, here’s a foretaste of our plans for making you feel like the cat that ate the canary in 2022:
- New products to instabuy, including probiotics, protein bars, protein cookies, single-serving “tonics” (more details soon), and more.
- New flavors of existing products to take a flier on, including strawberry margarita, blood orange, and mojito Pulse; honey cereal, coconut cream, and pumpkin pie Whey+; grape and strawberry kiwi Recharge; and more.
- New loyalty perks to rub all over yourself, including more Subscribe & Save blessings, Rewards Program bennies, exclusive deals and discounts, and more.
- New sales channels and international shipping options to better separate you from your coinage (especially if you’re of the British and European persuasion).
- New content to graze on, including a new book, new website tools, blog articles, podcasts, and more.
And that’s just a quick squirt of the love puddle, of course—more updates will follow.
Oh and because this can’t be said enough:
Bless your slippery snidbits for your support.
Really.
You’re my angel farts and chocolate coins, and you have my undying love. And my willingness to kill in your name.
So, with that, let’s get back to enjoying Michael Buble before he’s put back in his cage until next year, shall we?
*pirouettes*
*disappears*
P.S. More than a few people have said they want to get me a gift for the holidays, which is a sweet gesture . . . unless it’s a mail-bomb of anthrax—no, the thought doesn’t count . . . and to that I say:
If you want to get me something, then maybe buy a copy or five of my new book Muscle for Life? Or leave a review for one of my other books wherever you buy books online?
We authors love to sell books. And get reviews. In fact, the very existence of this email is because of many kind people doing both of those things, so either of them would really get my pleasure pistons firing this Christmas.
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